Living With Loss

Death isn’t something you can really “be ready for.” I know that in some circumstances your loved one may have been sick for a certain period of time and you may somehow be “prepared” for the inevitable passing; but even then I’m still not sure how knowing can prepare you for living without that person. 

In my case, my loss was very sudden. My Dad wasn’t taken by a long drawn out sickness. He was here one moment and then just gone the next. To be completely honest, it was one of those things that made me really angry in the beginning. I had spoken to my Dad a day or two before he passed. I had no idea that that would’ve been the last time we spoke. Like…how dare he be just taken from me! No warning! Just …gone!? Man…just thinking about it would frustrate me to no end. Often times I wonder, if it was a longer process what it would be like for me. If I knew he was sick and had the opportunity to come home, maybe say goodbye, would that have helped with getting closure somehow?

I was angry… and I was both right and wrong about it. I had every right to be angry and entitled to my selfish opinion about how I thought it should’ve gone down and yet I had no right to be angry and entitled to my selfish opinion about how I thought it should’ve gone down. Yes, you read that right LOL! I am someone with lots of cyclical processes swimming around my head daily. Ahhhh.. the complexities of life!

*Petit Pause* 

I don’t know…am I starting to sound like one of those spiritual teachers who tells you to turn right and left at the same time? Like when The Buddha said “Live with no sense of “mine,” not forming an attachment to experiences.” 

*Play* 

So, here’s what I mean. 

Why I had the right to be angry: 

Anger was a necessary part of my healing. I had an AMAZING Dad! Of course, I am going to be angry that I won’t be able to physically have him with me anymore. Denying myself that emotion would be like denying his existence itself. Bottling this emotion up as ‘bad’ was doing me no favours. What was important was acknowledging how I felt and why I felt that way. Working through the emotion NOT denying it.

Why I had no right to be angry: 

I had to work through the anger BUT not dwell in that space. I had to process it AND let it go. He was not mine to begin with and Jah knows that was a hard pill to swallow. Him, you, me…we all have to deal with loss at some point throughout our lives. Why should I be the only one who got advanced notice? Who says he would’ve wanted some long drawn out sickness? Am I entitled to say I wanted him to suffer just so I could say goodbye? And who says I would’ve been better off if it had happened otherwise? Maybe the image I am supposed to keep in my mind is not one of deterioration but a vibrant image of him! In a way, I CHOOSE to think the latter because the alternative is filled with unanswered questions that would drain me to no end.

At the end of the day, it happened. It’s done. And nothing will change that. I can direct my energy to an endless array of unanswered questions or I can direct my energy to what IS. I CHOOSE to direct my energy toward gratitude for the time we had and continuing on with him in my spirit. Don’t get me wrong, it is still a struggle for me on some days, and I have to constantly remind myself of where to direct my energy. Yes, some days it doesn’t work and I fall apart but days like those are starting to become less frequent. With time, you learn NOT how to forget the loss but how to LIVE with it. 

There are so many ways in which death changes you and how you live. Your new normal can take any amount of time to adjust to. You start to see life through a different lens. I was already someone who liked taking risks, and now even more so. I’d rather have a lifetime of “mistakes & learning” than regrets. I don’t want to take anything or anyone for granted. Loss really brought home the lesson of “You literally have NO idea when your last moment with someone could be THE last moment with someone. Any moment could be the last for me! Bruh…I am not trying to waste any time I have whatsoever! I want to REALLY live! 

A lot of the time, people glorify the “positives” of the process, and that’s totally okay but I’d like to highlight something I struggled with instead: “Anxiety.” To be frank, I’ve always had a little bit of social anxiety. Not really something I paid much attention to; I just figured “this is who I am.” But the healing process brings out triggers to the surface of your awareness when you least expect it. I promise you, once I got out my head/ego, I began to see them for what they are: OPPORTUNITIES FOR HEALING!

*Petit Pause*

As per anxiety before the loss. Honestly, I have always been socially awkward when meeting people. I get very anxious around new energy, sometimes to the point where my chest tightens and I can’t think straight. As far as I can remember, it takes some time for me to warm up to people. I feel energies on a deep level and it sometimes makes me want to assess the situation from a distance before I can dive in. It’s something about me that has been misunderstood in SO many scenarios. Now that I am writing this, I feel like I need to make a separate blog post about it. Stay tuned. 

*Play*

Anywhoooo… this anxiety was on a whole other level. I had a really really really really serious fear of losing someone close to me. It has lessened over time but I remember when I just returned home, I couldn’t be away from my Mom for more than a minute. I needed to know where she was at every turn. I would find myself waking up on the hour to check on her in her sleep to make sure she was breathing. I would be in conversation with someone and suddenly panic and run to make sure she was not lying on the floor dead. What made it worse was the fact that my parents were very close in life and I would worry that he would want her to be close to him in death too. 

I wouldn’t leave my house to go anywhere for fear that I would get another one of those “I have sad news” phone calls. I couldn’t bear it. So, I stayed home to “avoid” that happening. I would get triggered if my phone rang. I would get triggered if there was too much silence. I would get triggered if someone came to my home and didn’t text to say that they got home safely. I would think of the worst case scenarios in my head of what could’ve possibly happened to the people I loved. 

Then, I started getting panic attacks thinking I was going to die. I started dreaming of death. Seeing death all around me. I was consumed by it. It was hard man!! I saw my Dad in everything. The house he built. The living room we watched basketball games in. The kitchen we drank in. The bed in which I would lie in between him and my Mom. The garden he loved. The pets he cherished. The door handles he touched. The bathroom he would sing loudly in. Man…I missed that man in EVERYTHING! I miss him…EVERY…SINGLE…DAY. I would go to bed many nights just hoping I would see him in my dreams. I watch videos to hear his voice and see his face. 

I started this inner vicious cycle of “the more I stay home the more I see death but if I leave home I might see death again…so I stayed home…but the more I stayed home… and on and on. I had no safe space. Nowhere was really safe and I didn’t know how to even explain this to anyone. And so…another inner vicious cycle started: “I need to talk to someone about how I feel…but I don’t know if they’ll understand…so I keep it to myself…but it’s suffocating me…so I need to talk to someone…but I don’t know if they’ll understand…so I keep it …and on and on. STUCK…was a HEAVYYYYY understatement.

GIVE THANKS TO THE UNIVERSE/GOD WHO ALWAYS SEEMED TO KNOW WHEN TO “RANDOMLY” SEND PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE OR OVER TO MY HOUSE WHEN I COULDN’T ASK FOR HELP MYSELF. GIVE THANKS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO KIDNAPPED ME. FORCED ME TO LEAVE MY HOUSE. TOOK ME OUT FOR DRINKS. TOOK ME OUT FOR WEEKENDS AWAY. TOOK ME TO THE BEACH. TOOK ME FOR A DRIVE. ALLOWED ME TO CAMP OUT ON THE EXTRA MATTRESS FOR A FEW DAYS. MANNNN… SIGH. MAISIA…THANKS EHHHHH!! JUST THANKSSSS!!! 

It was HARD!!! It still is HARD!! Through meditation, Sadghuru, reading and working on myself I am making headway. It’s a process and I am a work in progress. Every day I am getting better. Every day I am learning. Every day I wake up I get another chance to push through. Every day I try to be as grateful as possible. 

As stated in my previous posts, there is no right way to grieve. Everybody’s process is different. Some find it easier in the beginning and harder as time goes on, and for some, the reverse is true. That being said, I find that there are common stages of grief that everyone who has suffered loss goes through. And my intention in this blog is only to share what helped me. If it helps someone, then great. If it doesn’t, at least you know what doesn’t work for you. 

Below I have listed a few of my main coping mechanisms. Of course, there are many ways to cope with grief. These aren’t set in stone or in any particular order. There are lots of things I needed on different days, at different times and with different moods. Some I learnt on my own while others were recommended but none of it happened overnight, so please remember to always cut yourself some slack and journey with grace. 

1. People you can rely on to come help you at any time

You know those people who you can call in the middle of the night when you’re having a panic attack and don’t want to be alone? Keep them close!! There were times when I felt like I was losing my mind with pain and my thoughts were shrouded in darkness. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when you need to be able to face things alone and navigate the darkness in order to grow but there are times when you need someone to bring you a candle and that is okay too. Honestly, I am the type of person who goes through it on my own. The thought of burdening people irks me. I don’t like to do it. I don’t like “putting my problems” onto other people’s shoulders. I mean, who am I to disturb you from your life to come help me with mine, right? But a good “talking to” from some of my tribe members set me straight!! LOL. And thank God too!! It’s okay to ask for help sometimes. It’s okay to not shoulder everything yourself. 

2. People who have been there

There is something about talking to people who have been through deep loss as well. It’s like an unspoken but profound knowing. There is a lot of insight in those conversations of shared experiences. Things that you cannot begin to describe is met with “aha moments” and a sense of clarity on things that may have been fuzzy to you. There is also a deep understanding of the pain whether the experiences of death are similar or not. Guidance on healing and coping mechanisms can be found here too. I too, hope to be a light in the darkness for others going through this. 

3. Writing & Burning 

Writing in general helps me. This blog is Exhibit A of that, but I found this technique particular helpful in a freeing way. It helped me a lot with my ‘letting go’ processes and whenever I felt extremely overwhelmed. Whatever stage you’re at, whatever you’re struggling with. Write it out on a piece of paper. Write the word, a sentence, a paragraph, a letter, an essay, a dissertation…it doesn’t matter. Just write it. Then burn it. Tears may come, let them flow. Watch it burn. Feel it go up in the flames. Let go and make space for light. 

PS: I chose burning because it resonates with me. I love fire. I like candles. I am always smudging. There’s always sage in my house. Ask my Mom, she’s always on my case about smoking up the house LOL. Please feel free to use whatever resonates with you. 

4. Safe Spaces 

In my experience, this could be a place or a person/people. You could have one or as many as you wish. It really depends on what you need at the time. A space without judgement where you can be whatever it is you’re feeling at the time. If you feel the need to scream, cry, watch old photos, laugh hysterically. If you want to talk about it or just sit in silence. A literal this-is-what-I-need-right-now space. We all deserve a space to be able to freely express without judgement, especially when it comes to something like deep loss. 

*DEEP INHALE*

Well…I think this was the best way to conclude this 3-part series. I hope this has helped as much as it has helped me. Thank you thank you thank you for coming on this journey with me. I LOVE YUH!!! 

*DEEP EXHALE*

Thank you for rocking with me!

Peace, Love & Light

– Kers