Kerstin Medard…What is Grief?
First of all…no one knows. Second of all…everyone knows. Thirdly… only when you know, you know.
That made sense? No, right? Yeah… to me either at first but with time…it kinda started making sense to me.
I’ll start by saying this. Grief is a lot of things but one thing it’s NOT is a linear process. It’s like a roller coaster ride of emotions on steroids during a hurricane without a guidance system.
My Dad wasn’t the first person I lost in my life, but this was no ordinary loss for me. This one cut deeper than anything I have ever felt. He was 1 of 2 vessels that brought me into this world and a rock which had been there my whole life. All of my 33 years he’s been present and to wake up one day and just not have him around. Man…nothing could have prepared me for it. One year and counting, and I am still somewhat in shock that my Dad isn’t here anymore. My brain still goes “Wahhhh… I can’t see or hear or touch or smell or talk to or laugh with Daddy anymore?” And I am beginning to understand that, that feeling might never go away. It’s another one of things where acceptance of what is doesn’t bring any answers per se, but it brings a semblance of peace. (Sometimes anyways…)
In the beginning, there are always people around but as the days go by the crowd wanes and you have to start living your “new normal.” And for me this is where the real challenge began. It was in the silence that I fought the hardest battles. How do you pick yourself up when all you want to do is stay in bed? How do you still find joy in the things that you shared with your loved one? How do you heal this crushing pain? How do you go on with this hole in your heart? How do you move on when you keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare, like it’s just a really long bad dream?
Answer: ONE SECOND…ONE MINUTE…ONE HOUR…ONE DAY AT A TIME. There was no other answer for me. No matter how many articles I read, how many videos I watched and how much advice I got. Yes, all those things helped sometimes but it had to start with me just getting up and trying. And having people around who can pick you up when you can’t pick yourself up, is such a blessing too! Jah knows… there were days when I couldn’t have survived by myself.
Many people said to me: “the funeral is the hardest part, it gets better after that” “Time heals all” “Remember the good times, that will make it better” Maybe all those things apply to some people but it wasn’t really the case for me. Another lesson learnt through this process: everyone grieves differently and there is no RIGHT way to grieve. There are certainly similar stages and emotions that people collectively go through but there is no single blueprint. And many people have good intentions, and I love them for it, I do. The advice they gave and the insight into their own loss can be helpful but I found that figuring it out by myself worked best sometimes. Taking their advice under advisement but sticking to what felt right for me. And this was really a BIG key for me. Please, do what feels right to you at the time. Trying to manage people’s expectations while grieving is a sure way to send you off the edge. The right people will understand and if they don’t, they’re not the right people.
So, about this linear process of healing…
Hours turned into days, weeks, and months. I thought I was “healing”. I would start to feel okay, good even. And then the smallest of things would trigger me and I would be back at square one. I would feel totally hopeless, thinking I was regressing. Thinking I was doing something wrong. And restarting the healing process from scratch started to become heavier every time.
I had this idea of a scale in my mind. For argument’s sake let’s say the scale was 1-10. 1 being least healed and 10 being most healed. It was not easy getting to a “5”, falling back to “0”, then work my way back up to “4” just to fall back to “1” again. There were many times when I just felt like staying at 0 because what was the point! Pile onto that the over thinker in me adding timelines to the process. “Well, by this number of months I should be at this place” “By now I should be at this place” “At this point I shouldn’t be triggered by this anymore.” “Maybe I am going about this all wrong!”
Honestly, this is cliched, but I really was my own worst enemy. I had all these pre-determined notions in my mind of what the healing process should look like. I was measuring and adding timelines on something that was immeasurable and then admonishing myself for not meeting those impossible standards. It really was a vicious self-inflicted cycle.
[Now, this is where having the right people around to pick you up is KEY!!!]
It was in the midst of my many rock bottom moments that some friends of mine said some things to me that really had me to reflect and reevaluate my thinking:
“Oh? And who says there’s a timeline on healing?”
“Who said it’s a straight line progression?”
“Of course you feel this way! You had an amazing Dad, it’s going to take a lot more time than a year”
“Cut yourself some slack, this is no ordinary loss, you’re allowed to have bad days.
“Yes, you are triggered and that is TOTALLY OKAY!”
“Be triggered, sit with it, process it, don’t try to suppress it. See what it is trying to tell you, learn from it, welcome it and then let go when YOU are ready.”
ALL sound advice. And it wasn’t until I accepted that this is NOT a linear process that I started really healing. I started to accept that:
Some days would be great AND some days would be shitty.
I will be triggered by big AND small things.
I would cry in the shower AND get out and laugh with my friends.
I will sit in silence AND argue loudly while playing UNO.
I would feel guilty about having fun AND feel like he would want me to have fun.
I will feel sad when I think about him AND I will feel happy when I think about him.
Thinking of the good times together would bring me to tears AND cause me to smile.
ALL of it is OKAY. It’s really about accepting the “and” and not making it an “or”.
We have been taught to avoid/reject “negative” or “bad” emotions and only celebrate the “positive” ones but I have come to learn that that isn’t the best method. Every emotion has something to teach us. Every trigger reveals something that needs healing. By all means, revel in the “positive” but also honour the “negative” Sit with it. Process it. Question it. Learn from it. Grow. And let go when YOU are ready.
This has been such an eye opener for me, and not just in dealing with my grief but applying it to life in general. Yes, it’s frigging uncomfortable sometimes. Yes, it’s frigging difficult. Yes, it’s frigging painful. But there is so much you can learn from in the end. There is trauma you may not have realised existed, questions you didn’t know needed answering and of course… healing to be found.
I am all the better for it. Maybe it can help you too.
I can’t say that I am fully healed. Maybe I never will be, who knows. But I am doing better. Living one day at at time, taking ALL of it as it comes and doing my best to process it with grace. I am a work in progress and THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY!!
Next up: Part 3: Living With Loss & My Coping Mechanisms
Thank you for rocking with me!
Peace, Love & Light
– Kers
